Back at the end of 1997, something very strange happened. Titanic had just come out and I saw that movie some 13 times in the theater. That’s the strange something. I know that’s crazy, but I got a bunch of free tickets from friends and something possessed me to see this over and over. Yes, unacceptable. I actually purchased tickets to other movies and exchanged them at the last minute so I could see this movie again. Even more unacceptable. I was perplexed. What was so compelling about this movie that I had to subject myself to 3.5 hours of misery? Where I knew the ending (Everyone lives. Ship is fine)? What should’ve taken about six minutes to figure out ended up taking six or seven viewings, but it finally hit me: Kate Winslet. It was during the viewing of this wonderful tragic movie that I fell in love with Kate Winslet. After that, she and Jennifer Aniston fought for my attention my love a spot at the top of my list for years. In fact, they still battle it out to this day. They’ve both had many stretches as my #1, a coveted spot that not just any heffer is entitled to. Think: Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal. Only female and hot.
I’ve had many Top 10 lists over the years. At one point Tiffani Amber Theissen was a steady #1. Now she’s just Tiffani Theissen, but still battles to make the list. She knows how important it is. At another point Julia Roberts was #1. She reached such elite status from Erin Brockovich. She eventually fell off the list for obvious reasons: her freakishly large trout mouth and creepy smile. The very things that put her at #1. Shit, don’t ask me. I’m a creature of uncertainty. STOP TRYING TO CAGE ME! I NEED TO FLY! Any-way, each time I found a #1, I proclaimed, “NO ONE IS TAKING HER SPOT. EVVVVEEEER.” As my tastes have changed, so has my #1. It’s changed numerous times since 1997. The shortest reign at #1 was by Constance Zimmer for her portrayal of Penny – a bitchy, but sexy, television professional on Good Morning, Miami. When the show got cancelled (like 6 weeks?), I couldn’t have a loser at the top. Kick rocks, Constance. She has, however, stalked my list, just looking to get back on there. She also knows how important it is. Most recently she crept back into the Top 10 by playing Dana Gordon on Entourage. Been lingering around ever since. She banged Ari Gold, she ain’t no loser!
So, when I was finishing my BA at GMU, I sat down with my brother Ryan and drafted a new Top 10. We were bored and had to do something productive while sitting across from the unproductive group of Magic The Gathering players, aka #OccupyMason. We both drafted one, dated it, and signed it. We official. It’s in a drawer in my office at home. Since graduating, the list has remained pretty much the same, but in a(nother) state of boredom yesterday, I drafted a new one. Here it is.
10. Scarlett Johansson**
She used to be #1 a few years ago, but has, for reasons I do not know, slipped to the bottom of the Top 10. I’m pretty sure she has a lazy eye and when that makes an appearance, I get freaked out and think of the witch in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Yes, yes, that’s definitely the reason she’s at #10. I have no idea why she’s #10.
9. Katy Perry
People call her the poor man’s Zooey Deschanel*. Those people hate boobs and hotness together.
8. Paula Patton
I always thought she was beautiful, but it wasn’t until seeing Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol that she eclipsed the Top 10. After this movie, I’ve decided I don’t like Robin Thicke’s music as much as I thought. Lucky Bastard.
7. Kate Mara
You’re thinking, “Is that person related to the girl in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo?” No, this girl is hot. But, yes, she is related to Rooney Mara. Except she’s HOT. Stop thinking about that scene in TGWTDT. Think of Shooter. It’s not gonna work, is it? Just know I’m right.
6. Blake Lively
This selection actually requires no justification. I mean, have you seen her? Strike that. Have you seen her with clothes on? Hell, it doesn’t matter. I’m surprised she’s not higher on this list. Maybe it’s cause she dated the unbankable Ryan Reynolds. She did, however, date Leo, and Leo is my boy. She’s #6 on my list and probably #148 on his. I ain’t mad tho. Player’s got to play. White people daps, son.
5. Kate Beckinsale
She’s brunette. She’s British. That’s enough to make someone hot. But, she’s brunette, British, and hot. That’s like squaring hotness. I’m not sure you can actually quantify that.
4. Kate Winslet
Here she is at #4. Listen here, haters. I bet most of you didn’t even have her on the list. So what if she’s dropped from #1 to #4? It’s been 15 years since Titanic. She’s actually gotten hotter since then. Her ever readiness to strip naked would normally keep her floating up near #1 or #2, but did you see her in The Reader? She’s at #4 in spite of that. Yea. That’s how you spell “dedication.”
3. Christina Hendricks
I’ll fully admit that she didn’t even register until I started watching Mad Men. I’m part of the 100% on that. No one can say otherwise. If you say she did, I know you’re a fucking liar. So, in the matter of three years, she went from Jason Dunham obscurity to #3. That’s like Novak Djokovich. Only female and hot. I have no idea why I’ve made two tennis references in here. Just got with it.
2. Jennifer Aniston
It started with FRIENDS and there was no looking back. If it were socially acceptable for me to get the “Rachel” haircut, I would’ve. I continued to watch that show, even through the last two seasons (which were pretty awful) because I got the tinglies in my down there when I saw her in the show. If you’re not sold on her in that show, did you see Horrible Bosses? If you still don’t think so, I bet the reason you didn’t like her in FRIENDS was because you loved Ross. She’s NEVER been lower than #2 on my list and unless she ends up looking like Beverly D’Angelo, she’ll continue to go no lower than #2.
1. Minka Kelly
If you watch Parenthood, she was the Bravermans’ behavioral aid for Max. Slept with Crosby (ugly ass Dax Shepard) and was gone forever. No? If you watched the last few seasons of Entourage, she got hit on, then immediately insulted, by Vince when he crashed Eminem’s party. No? It’s okay, no one watched the last few seasons of that show except me and Jason Turrisi. If you watched the show Friday Night Lights, you’ll know her as Lyla Garrity. You’ll also know her as fucking hot. If you haven’t watched any of these three shows, stop now and jump out of the closest window after swallowing a full bottle of Motrin (you know, just in case the fall doesn’t kill you). She has been my #1 for a long time and unless they make a Minka Kelly 2.0, she ain’t moving. Don’t believe me? She’s still #1 in spite of getting soiled by Derek Jeter, who I loathe. Winner.
Alternates:
– Megan Fox, despite midget thumbs.
– Leighton Meester, a poor man’s Minka Kelly.
– **Tiffani Theissen, formerly Tiffani Amber Theissen. I wanted to add pictures of each person in the Top 10 and when I saw some what I believe to be current pictures, I reminisced about the early days of her reign at the top. Then I saw some pictures with her Ben Roethlisberger doppleganger husband and realized that he’s RUINED HER FOR ME. Demoted to alternates.
– Emmanuelle Chriqi, for putting up with E’s shit. And being smoking hot.
– Mila Kunis, NOT because of Black Swan. That’s impressive, I know.
– *Zooey Deschanel, cause of those eyes and she’s funny as hell. Banned because of 500 Days of Summer, but reinstated as an alternate because of The New Girl.
– Nicole Sherzinger, cause she’s hot and she can actually sing. Plus, I kinda like the hood in her.
– Adele, she wears black a lot.
– Rachel Bilson, O.C.
– Jennifer Lopez, cause she dumped Marc Anthony finally.
– Amber Heard, mash up of Minka Kelly, Jessica Stroup, Scarlett Jo, and Kristen Steward (ew). She’ll be in the Top 10 soon.
– Brooklyn Decker, blonde.
Thoughtsberry Farm 